Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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