You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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