Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
