cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
