Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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