Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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