The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She told me I should be a condom model.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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