The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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