The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
