She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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