The maid of honor just puked.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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