It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
