a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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