Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
