Michael Bay diarrhea
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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