i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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