I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
