i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
