Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
