You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
