watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize