I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
