Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
