i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
