You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
