I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize