Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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