Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
