Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
