So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize