hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
