Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
