she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
