Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize