never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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