I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
