why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
