The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
