I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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