Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
