There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have already put on my inside pants.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
