Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Did I show you my penis last night?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
