It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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