tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
