omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I understand Curling. That high.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
