sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
