I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
