My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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