Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
