im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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