would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
