i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
