there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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