um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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