I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
