eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize