She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
