I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
