I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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