John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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